Sex and New Relationships
Brad was just finishing his divorce after having actually been married for over 25 years. He had not dated in what seemed like forever to him, and had no idea how to start.
” What are you most concerned about?” I asked.
” Sex,” he addressed.
” What about sex?” I asked.
Time out … “Well … efficiency. What if I can’t carry out? What if I’m too worried to perform?”
” Okay. Let’s begin with sex.”
In the 35 years that I have actually been counseling, I’ve found that the one error individuals make in beginning a new relationship is to make love too soon. There are many reasons why individuals have sex prematurely: they think it will develop deeper intimacy, they are simply in it for the conquest, they are afraid of rejection if they say no, they get physically carried away, they like sex. Let’s take the example of Yvonne.
Yvonne is a charming young woman in her middle thirties who actually wants to get married and have children. She has no trouble fulfilling guys, however the relationships don’t last. In fact, they hardly ever even start.
The problem is that Yvonne frequently believes what men say to her early in the relationship. The last man she dated a couple of months earlier, came on actually strong. He told her on the first date how fantastic she was, how he had seldom satisfied anybody like her. When he began sexually, she withstood, although she was actually switched on and attracted to him. He suavely said to her “I wager you’re fretted that if we make love I won’t call you again.” “Right,” she said. “That’s exactly what I’m concerned about.” Well, he answered, “I’m not that type of man. Can’t you tell that we’re really linked to each other? I have not had such a great time in years! Naturally I want to see you again!” Yvonne concurred that they were having a fantastic time. She put aside her inner warning signals and made love with him. Sure enough, he never ever called her once again.
The truth is that, no matter how terrific things appear on the first or second date, this is not adequate time to deeply care about someone. And sex without deep caring may be a physically satisfying experience, but it is flat emotionally and spiritually. They tried to get the intimate connection through sex, but terrific sex is an outgrowth of intimacy, not a cause of it.
Deep caring comes through spending time together getting to know each other. It comes from having conflict and getting through it to comprehending each other on deeper levels. You require to enjoy somebody’s soul before you will be ready to go through the difficulties that come up in all relationships.
What I stated to Brad was, “Take your time. If the first time you make love you don’t get an erection it won’t mess up the relationship, don’t jump into bed up until you feel so safe with each other that even. It may take months or longer prior to you feel that safe with someone.”
” Months? I’m supposed to wait months prior to making love?”
It depends on how much time you time you spend with each other. All this takes time. Is it sex you want or a relationship you want?
” Okay, I got it. I desire a relationship. Whew! I really feel some relief understanding that it’s alright to take my time!”